Decisions, Decisions

It wasn't really as easy as all that deciding to go. I took the weekend to work through all my tangled thoughts. Before now I never understood when someone would tell me "I'm confused" about making a decision. You make a list of the options, go through the pros and cons, perhaps assign some weight or priority, and the decision is clear I always thought. Making the decision to go to India at this time in my life was the closest I've come to being "confused" about making a decision -- and perhaps "conflicted" is actually a better word.

First off, I'm not very spontaneous. I like to PLAN. And while the trip is still months away, this decision feels like an act of spontaneity. Usually a flight across the pond is at least a year in the making for me… this is almost overnight!

Then I had to tackle the reality of my bravado. I make these grand statements that I fully intend to carry through -- when the time comes -- if the time ever comes….. "I'm going to retire in Italy."  "Next time I get downsized I'm going to spend three months in an ashram in India."  Will I really go through with these big statements -- who knows. Who knows if I have the courage to back up my mouth -- or if my eyes are bigger than my stomach!

Typically I'm really good at putting on a brave face and powering on when faced with the opportunity to do something new and exciting, all the while underneath I'm a quivering mass of nerves.  I've taken beach vacations alone. I've gone to NYC and stayed in hotels alone. It always works out great! This trip wouldn't be alone -- I would have an experienced travelling companion and would be staying with friends. Going with all this support -- especially for my first foray -- is the ideal way to go. Certainly any apprehension I may have about the total foreignness (to me) of the culture, can be obliterated by the knowledge that I will probably never be alone, I will be taken care of by friends who have proved their immense hospitality to me time and again.

And then I went through the I-can't-be-away-from-work-four-weeks argument -- and solved it with the but-I-can-work-at-our-office-in-India solution. I mean, what a fabulous team building exercise!

And so here is my chance to take this trip I've long anticipated. Perhaps it's not as lengthy and painstakingly orchestrated as I prefer, and definitely  not in the nebulous future timing I'd expected.  But what's wrong with shaking things up a bit? 

So I decided. Let's do this! Dammit!